Learning Through Trials

I love making sugar cookies...especially decorating sugar cookies.  More to the point, I love making and decorating sugar cookies with my boys.  I love to run (jog really), and scrapbook, and take walks with my boys.  I love to hike and run after my little men - unless they're in trouble and running away from me...that's a different story!  So when my future as a jogging, scrapbooking, sugar cookie-making momma became jeopardized and uncertain, I almost reverted back to my anxiety-stricken ways that were oh, so familiar to me as a non-believer.

I guess I should start at the beginning.  A few months ago (after all the soul searching I talked about in the previous post), I finally told God I was ready for Him to do whatever He had planned for my life.  Not that I thought He'd wait on me, but it was more of a final submission on my part.  Finally really ready to give everything over no matter WHAT that meant.  This was actually a pretty scary thing on my part given the events of the past year with the death of Gregg's brother.  Was I...am I really ready for something like that?

Kinda crazy, but within a month of me asking for His will to be fulfilled in my life I got some life-altering news.  For a few weeks I had been having pain in my feet...both feet that was worse in the morning, but lasted all day.  Pain to the point it was affecting my daily activities and I decided it was time to get it checked out.  Now I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but rarely do I ever get my "what if's" checked out...but this was different.  I went to the doctor telling him that I thought I have rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  He did a physical - normal.  He took xrays - normal.  He took blood tests - all normal...except one.  My anti-CCP was positive...a highly specific test for RA.  To be completely honest, I was expecting everything to come back normal and I'd go on feeling like this for a while with no answers and eventually it would just go away.  I wasn't expecting my suspicions to be true.

Will loves to decorate cookies with me...

Now I know what you're probably saying..."You said you had exciting things going on!"  Yes, yes. I know...let me finish!  Believe me, "excitement" wasn't the first emotion that came over me.  It was fear.  Having a medical background, my mind skipped over all the joint-related symptoms and went straight to the more serious...the potentially life-threatening complications of this disease...pericarditis, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis.  I almost lost it when Gregg brushed it off as no big deal.  "You don't understand!!!  It's not normal arthritis!!!"

Fear continued to grip me as weeks went by and I realized I'm going to be limited by this disease.  My hands and wrists were starting to hurt.  Making gift tags for Christmas presents, frosting and decorating sugar cookies, learning to sew...these activities became difficult as I often lacked the dexterity and strength needed to do them.  I'm only 31!!!  What is it going to be like when I'm 45?  It was scary how quickly things seemed to be progressing and I extrapolated this to mean I had an aggressive form of the disease.  I couldn't run anymore...I couldn't even go on walks with my boys.  Holding Micah for extended periods of time became painful...you can altogether forget about holding Will.  I was downing ibuprofen like candy just to get through my day.  Lord, why is this happening!?!?!?

...and Micah likes to eat them!

Oh. Wait. I asked for this, didn't I?  Am I saying God gave this to me as a punishment?  No.  Am I saying this was part of His will or plan for my life?  Absolutely.  The timing is a little peculiar, don't you think?  You can argue semantics about whether God causes or allows things like this to happen...I don't know the answer to that.  I don't know if it matters.  I do know that God gives (or allows) things like this to His people to deepen dependency on Him.  Take Job of the Old Testament or Paul in the New.  Paul asked three times for the thorn in his flesh to be taken away.  God's answer?  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)  Wow.  God has this covered.  He has my best interest in mind, whether it's obvious or not from my immediate circumstances.  

So this is why it's exciting...God is working through this.  He knows exactly what I need when I need it.  His will is perfect.  Paul's response to God's decision not to take his weakness away is the attitude I pray for as I navigate through this new and unfamiliar part of my life.  He says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  That sounds good...I'll take that.

The rare occasion when I got to limp along with my boys...Happiness!