Gaining Hope

One of the most difficult things for me during this journey through PDD-NOS (Autism for simplification purposes) has been this feeling of isolation.  I don't know many people who have children with this type of diagnosis and I know even fewer that have the same spiritual outlook that I do.  This has led me to feel extremely alone in this.  This is not to say that we don't have people that are supporting us...we do, and we greatly appreciate all their thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement...but there is something to be said about someone who can look you in the eye and you just know that they understand because they're walking that exact same path. 

Why don't I get involved in some sort of support group?  Huh.  Good question.  I often finding myself reevaluating my reasons for this.  We have an Autism support group here in the Black Hills and I have a number of reasons for not getting involved to this point...their website is difficult to navigate, their meeting times are inconvenient, they don't have a faith-based approach to this disorder.  This last reason has been the most "valid" reason that I have clung to and is also the reason I have yet to pick up an informational book on the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs).  It has been my perception that the approach to treating and dealing with Autism and related disorders are very much child-centered.  Let your world revolve around the child...it will be much better for everyone in the long run. My question has always been: Will it?

The fact of the matter is, this world does not revolve around them.  This world and all that inhabit it (including us) were created by God for the purpose of bringing glory to His name.  If I treat my child like he is the center of the universe, he'll start to believe it, and that doesn't leave any room for God in His rightful place.  I'm not going down that road...so I haven't even tried to look into anyone else's solutions to our "problem" and I've prayed for something else.  Something...someone who knows what I'm talking about, who feels the same way.

Over these past few months the Lord has provided answers to these prayers.  A coworker brought me an article one day out of our local paper about a woman whose son was recently diagnosed with Autism and who just wasn't finding all she needed from traditional support groups or books.  She decided to start a Faith-Based Autism Support group for families who need something a little more than what the typical support group offers. This group recognizes families' need for prayer and encouragement from the only source of absolute truth - God's Word.  I started to see some light in the isolated darkness this diagnosis has brought on.

In her article she mentions a book that helped her come to terms with her son's diagnosis while giving her assurance that God has purpose and, even more so, blessings for Autistic children and their families.  The author's name is Kelly Langston and her book "Autism's Hidden Blessings" talks about her journey through Autism while relating all of it to God's Word.  I researched her a little online and after reading several of her blog entries decided that she would be someone I could relate to...both emotionally and spiritually.  So I decided to order the book. I also noticed she was going to be doing an online study of the book starting May 1st to provide more insight and encouragement for families dealing with Autism.  Perfect.  Exactly what I need.

The book came and we got busy.  Sell the house...remember?  So as soon as the book showed up at my door, it went in my bookshelf with the door closed.  Sell the house...hide your clutter.   Well, things have finally calmed down and this morning I finally remembered the book.  As I was reading the introduction all the memories of dealing with Will's tantrums before we knew there was an issue and then the heartbreak once we finally learned there was "something wrong" came flooding back.  And then I remembered the study...it's May 1st!  After signing up (thankfully she's not closing registration until Friday!) and reading some of the entries from other mommas, I was encouraged and the darkness of isolation started to fade even more.

Along with these more straight forward answers to my prayers, my whole thought process on the established Autistic community has changed.  I was discounting anything written by anyone without a spiritual, or more importantly, a Biblical basis, and I've come to realize it wasn't fair...to the people who have devoted their lives to this disorder, but especially to my son who may benefit from some of their suggestions and advice.  I realized that I can apply the same Biblical practice of testing it speaks of in 1Thes 5:20-22 while wading through the mounds of information on ASDs.  I can view everything with spiritual goggles, testing all I read against my one standard of truth and holding on to the good.  After all, the program we've had Will in for the past two and a half years has been based on much of this research and I cannot deny the progression we've seen in Will.

So today, I'm thanking the Lord for His blessings...for the encouraging phone calls and emails, for this support group, for this book and study, for the researchers who continue to find ways for us to connect with our children, and, yes, even for Autism itself.  Much of our decision for me to stay home more was fueled by Will's diagnosis of PDD-NOS...so I could do all that needs to be done to help him.  So I'm diving in...I'm getting informed...getting connected...because (to borrow the words of Kelly Langston), "Will, I'm coming to get you."

For those interested, it's not too late to sign up for the study.  http://kellylangston.com/

The Jesus Chair

Since Will has been 3 months old, I've sang him the same song as a lullaby.  It's calmed him down through the years, has taken on pretty significant meaning, and is one of his favorites.  According to him we're not allowed to sing it during the day...it's only for bedtime.  When Micah was born I wanted him to have his own song, but nothing ever seemed to stick....except for one.  Jesus Loves Me.  It's not specific to him, like Will's is, but he loves it and it's taken on the same purpose as Will's song.

Over the past few weeks Micah has woken up in the middle of the night screaming.  I'm not talking about, 'Hey, come get me!' scream.  I'm talking holy terror, nightmare screams.  Before when Gregg and I have gone in to comfort him when he's woken, covering him back up and patting his back for a bit is enough...he's back off to dreamland in no time.  But these have been different.  He's actually needed me to pick him up and rock with him to get him to finally calm down.

So I pick him up and sit in the rocker in his room and we rock.  The first time it happened he kept talking.."Bye, bye, car. Bye, bye."  Kind of in a whimpering sort of way.  Was he dreaming...having night terrors about being out in the road?  Then he started asking (what sounded like to me) for Cheez-Its.  "Chejus, Chejus." I kept saying no...not now, buddy.  After a few more time of him asking, it finally got through my foggy, sleep-deprived head...he wants me to sing "Jesus."  So I sang to him, and when I was done there were a few moments of silence, then a sweet, quiet, and much calmer voice..."Chejus?"  So I'd start again.

That first night I must've sang Jesus Loves Me to him at least 10 times.  Only then was I finally able to lay him down and get him back to sleep.  It happened again last night and after he told me something about eyes (man, what kind of dream was that?), he asked for Chejus and you better believe this momma knew exactly what he was asking for.  So we sat and rocked and sang Jesus, and he was back asleep in no time.

It's caused me to give that chair a special name...it's our Jesus Chair.  I'm so glad we found a song that has stuck and gives him comfort when he's upset.  I'm even more glad it talks about the love of our Savior.  From the early days of his infancy he will have heard about the love Jesus has for him, and as he gets older it will be a platform for me to actually talk to him about it and pray he understands.  This morning Will asked to hold Micah, which he does from time to time.  I said, "Okay, but if you sit in that chair you have to sing Jesus to him."  So he sat and held him and sang.  When he was done, he proudly stated, "Mom!  I told him about Jesus!"  Thanks, buddy.  I'm a proud momma.

Ain't Nothin' But a God Thing

I don't even know how to start this post except to say...we sold the house!!  Cue the music...it ain't nothin' but a God thing, baby...  Oh, c'mon...am I the only one who has a pre-salvation love of Snoop Dog?  Okay, maybe.  I probably just lost half my readers (all two of you). But, anyway...the story...

Our realtor was over to the house Monday morning to take pics and video so we could finally get our house on the market.  He told me to be ready for lookers by Tuesday afternoon since it usually takes a while for new listings to show up on the MLS.  So you can imagine my surprise when Monday evening I had a realtor call me asking if she could show my house in half an hour.  I was in the middle of making dinner...and it was one of those lazy nights when you make breakfast for dinner, so we had bacon cooking.  Um, yes, do you want to buy my house?  What's that smell?  Frying pig...that okay with you?  So I flew around the house...cleaned up dinner, opened windows, turned on fans, lit a candle and ran out the door.  Yes, I know leaving a lit candle is totally unsafe, but would you like to buy a house that smelled like bacon?  I didn't think so.

So we went out to eat...I didn't want to cook anyway.  I don't really remember talking much about the house or if we thought the lookers might be interested, but on our way home we got a call from our realtor.  For some reason when Gregg answered the phone I just knew it was him and when he said, "You're joking"  I knew we had our first offer.  Long story short, within 24 hours of our house hitting the market we had an accepted offer.  And I thought our house sale in Indiana was fast at two and a half weeks....we just broke a record, folks! 

Now I know that things can fall through...inspections go bad, financing goes south, whatever.  But right now it's never been more clear to me that this is what we're supposed to be doing and I'm trusting Jesus that this will work out.  Now our prayers have shifted from providing a buyer to providing a new home.  We'd appreciate if you'd pray with us!

No Time For Blogging

I'm a super task-oriented person.  Give me something to do and that will be my obsession until the job is done, and not only done, but done to my standards.  I'm my own worst critic...aren't we all?  Well, guess what...I have a job to do.  We are selling our house, so every waking moment seems to be consumed with executing this task and doing it in the least amount of time possible with the greatest return.  My whole purpose in life centers on this one thing.  Eat, sleep, work...sell the house.  There's weeds that need pulled, rooms that need painted, laundry that needs folded, cleaning, mowing, organizing, packing...the list seriously does.not.end.  Somewhere in there I have to squeeze Gregg and the boys.  Geesh!  Doesn't leave much room for anything else, does it?  And that includes blogging.  Unfortunately it also includes Bible reading...

...and prayer and daily meditation on His Word.  Seriously, aren't I getting a little too old for this?  Haven't I learned by now?  Wasn't my blog post just a few weeks ago about how I'm going to STOP running so fast and START putting Him first?  Isn't this why we're going through the pain of selling our house??? ARRGGH!!

But I have a job to do....

Blinders on.  Tunnel vision.  Sell the house.

I was standing in my kitchen the other day.  I was the only one home.  I was (you guessed it) cleaning up.  The iPod was playing.  Not a super abnormal scene.  My mind was on track...sell the house...sell the house.  For one second though, I let my guard down and I realized the same song had played twice in the span of about five minutes.  I don't know why, but it made me stop...and listen...  The voice of Jeremy Camp flooded my head and the words took over the thoughts that had been plaguing my mind for weeks..."In the morning when I rise, In the morning when I rise, In the morning when I rise, Give me Jesus."

How long has it been since I read my Bible?  Where is my Bible?  When was the last time I prayed?  Was it a prayer for myself?  I'm so thankful for the way God uses things...little things...like music to break in and meet us where we need to be met.  To remind us that we need Him.   

Give me Jesus. 

I'm always amazed at how quickly I can forget this.  I can be doing so well...in daily communication with Him and it shows.  My attitude is better, my thinking is crystal clear, the Holy Spirit seems to be super close and super active.  Then I get distracted...I have a job to do.  Hey, Jesus...you won't mind if I just take today to...?  Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.  Then tomorrow turns into next week and I'm short with my boys, hostile to Gregg, not speaking to my Savior. 

Give me Jesus.

Why do I think I can do this without Him?  In John 15 Jesus tells us to remain in Him and He will remain in us...that apart from Him we can do nothing.  To remain: to continue in the same state.  He tell us to continue to walk with Him, to continue to talk to Him, to continue to search for Him in His Word...and He will continue with us.  

Give me Jesus.

I went straight to my knees that day.  To the feet of Jesus to tell Him what He already knows...I need You.  Please help me remain in You, so that Your presence is evident in me.  Please help me to remember that You have a plan and me not pulling that unsightly crop of crab grass is not going to make the buyer You have picked out for this house change his mind.  Help me to remember that.  Help me to put You first.

Give me Jesus.

To Market, To Market

...to sell our big house.  This is a big one for us, folks.  Something that has been years in the making.  No, we're not moving out of the area...although sometimes I miss IN so much I want to go back!  No, we're just trying to be obedient to what we feel God has led us to do.

Scene.  It was summer of 2009.  I had just graduated.  We had just moved from IN to SD and were living in an apartment that we were quickly growing out of.  The plan was to stay there a few months as we looked for our perfect house...you know, the one you're going to live in forever and pass down to your children so they can pass it down to their children and...you get the picture, right?  We looked at close to forty houses and found flaws with each one of them.  I can't believe our realtor stayed with us, actually... :-/  It was too small, or it was settling, or there was no backyard, or whatever.  We got so good at picking out the things we thought were "wrong" with the house, it seemed we were unable to see any of the positives in them.  We told ourselves there was no way we could live with less than 3000 square feet, or oak cabinets, and six-panel solid wood doors were a must.  The more houses we looked at, the more our priorities got skewed. Wait...let's back up a bit.

Scene.  I was in pharmacy school and we were dreaming of what our life would be like once I was finally done.  We talked about how it would be ideal if I could work two or maybe three days a week.  But even though I would be working, we planned to live off Gregg's salary so if for some reason I ended up not working we would be okay.  And in doing that it would free up my salary for things that were important to us...like giving uninhibitedly.  It was all planned out....it would be perfect.  Back to 2009.

Hiccup number one - my job offer was for a full-time position.  Okay, we knew this might happen.  We'll roll with it and in a few months to a year see if I can go part-time.  No big deal.  Hiccup number two - we weren't finding that perfect house in our original price range so we kept going up and up...and up, and up, and up.  Numbers we once thought were astronomical to spend on a house were left in the dust on our way to finding The One.  Hiccup number three - I had suffered a miscarriage in the apartment and I made an association between the two that was hard for me to get over.  Being there was a constant reminder of the loss.  We had to get out.

Enter our current home.  We thought about it...and went over the numbers...and thought about it some more.  Now if there's one thing that Gregg and I hate, it's debt.  We made the decision to buy the house only if we could pay it off in less than 10 years, otherwise it just wasn't worth it to us.  So we looked at the numbers again and knew it was possible...so we bought.

It's a good house.  Very well built and full of the things we wanted.  We compromised on some things - like the purple carpet - AARRGGHH!!  Don't get me started.  But all in all, it was beautiful.  It seemed to be the right decision, but I always felt a little...off.  I blamed it on the interesting paint colors or the chandelier in the dining room...once I change it, it will feel more like home...right?

Wrong.  The feeling didn't go away.  Gregg and I found ourselves explaining why we had such a big house to everyone that entered our home.  This is funny because no one ever said anything about it.  Does this speak of some sort of conviction?  Hmmm....  Once Micah came along, that unsettled feeling seemed to grow and grow.  I was still working full time and just as my maternity leave was ending, I realized...I want to be at home with my babies.  That's okay, right?  I just won't go back to work.  Oh, wait...we had our 10 year plan.  This won't work.  So I went back to work, and we stayed on track.  Over the next year and a half we played around with my schedule...trying to come up with some sort of compromise that would allow me to be at home more often and pay down our mortgage.  I went three days a week, switched jobs, went full time again, then part time again, then 7 on-7 off overnights, then part time again.  My schedule was so jacked up the kids (or I, for that matter) didn't know if we were coming or going.  Not ideal.

Scene.  It's 2012.  Over the past year and a half we've been through a lot of....stuff.  Eric's death, marital difficulties, a church change, an RA diagnosis for momma, and a PDD-NOS diagnosis for Will....I'm sure I'm leaving something out.  All of this combined with exponential spiritual growth for both Gregg and I (more so Gregg) has led us to this decision to sell our home.  We love this house, and the truth is even though it's been a constant "issue" since we moved in, I'm finding myself right smack in the middle of a war...a war between the flesh and what I know needs to be done.  We need to sell our house. 

Please know that I don't think there is anything wrong with a larger house, or wood floors, or a huge yard.  As I've often said, it comes back to a heart issue.  We had to ask ourselves, "At what cost?"  At the cost of me shuffling my boys to daycare, to grandma's, to school, to...  and all the while feeling the strain between the professional me and the mommy me.  It wasn't working for us...our hearts weren't right.  So we're taking the first step...we're selling the house.

Please pray for us during this time.  That God would give us peace to know we're doing the right thing.  That He would provide a buyer.  That He would give us patience once we start looking for our new home and a sense of contentment once we find it.  We so appreciate your prayers...we need them.

Hangin' With My Boys

I got to do something with my boys today that I don't do all that often...we just sat.  Daddy wasn't feeling super great today, so it was just me and the little ones making do.  Seriously most of the day was a little stressful.  Not because it was just me with them (those are usually my best days)...just too many things on our plates right now and not enough time in the day....we're still in that reprioritization phase and sometimes it takes a little elbow grease to get where you need to be.  In the words of Beth Moore: "Does anyone...know...what I'm talking about?"  But I digress.  Me and the boys...all day...trying to get things done...no success.  And all the stress made for a momma that was a little short with some undeserving boys.   And to be completely honest, this RA is still getting me down.  Fatigue creeps up on me to the point I don't know what hit me and I have to sit at that moment or I'll run myself into the ground.  So that's what we did tonight.  We rented a movie, made popcorn with a few jelly beans thrown in - you know, for a little color - and we sat down on the couch all snuggled up with blankets...or 'nugel as Micah calls it.  Love that boy!

Now Will's attention span is long enough to sit and watch a movie.  Micah on the other hand...well...  It started off well.  He sat and ate his popcorn and laughed and commented on those silly penguins...for about 15 minutes.  Then he got distracted.  The remote caught his eye.  The neighbor boys outside.  The jelly bean that had fallen behind the couch.  He was all over the place which evoked the response, "Uh! Micah MOVE!" from the older brother...which caused him to MOVE.  He shook his little butt all over the living room and thought he was just the funniest thing.  Man, I wish I took more video of these boys...mental pictures just aren't enough sometimes! :) 

Bedtime rolled around for the little man, so that left just me and Will.  Me and my sweet first born laughing at the crazy penguins and then after the movie talking and laughing about them even more as I tucked him in.  I'm so thankful God gives these little gifts when they're so needed, even if they're so undeserved.  I'm so thankful I decided to just put everything that needs to be done aside and just sit with my boys...I need to do it more often...and Lord willing, I will.

See The Schmidts Run

My life is flashing before my eyes.  That's something you're supposed to say when you have a near death experience, right?  I feel like I'm saying that on a daily basis.  Sometimes I feel like Gregg and I are the main characters in a Dick And Jane early reader book...See Gregg run.  See Martha run faster.  See Gregg and Martha run so fast through this life that the next thing they know the boys are grown and living out of state and they'll wonder what happened.  Sound familiar to anyone?

I have been guilty all too often of the mindset, "If I just get through this (insert said event), things will slow down for us."  Then I'll have more time to read my Bible, or sit with the boys, or (dare I say it?) take care of myself.  If. I. Just. Get. Through. This......  It never happens.  Will is almost five now....FIVE.  I look at pictures of him when we first moved back to South Dakota and he looks like a baby to me.  This is scary because in my mind we just moved back here.  In reality, though, that was more than half of his life ago.  Stuff has happened since then.  Life has happened...the good, the bad, and unfortunately, the really ugly.  And it's all happening way too quickly.  Way too quickly.

Over the past few months...well, year or so really...several things have happened that have made me stop and take a good hard look at how we've been living this life.  I took a step back...looked at our lives as an outsider...tried to get a fresh, new perspective on things.

I have been so grateful over these past few months for a praying husband who stays in the Word and desires to lead his family well.  I have also been grateful that I've been able to stay in the Word fairly consistently myself.  This has allowed us to be able to analyze our day to day activities and reevaluate our priorities with a more eternal perspective...a more Godly perspective.  What would Jesus say if He walked into our lives right now...in the mess that it is?  Would He be pleased?  Would He be ashamed to call us His children?  Would there be things I'd try to hide in the closet or sweep under the rug?  These are questions that have surfaced many, many times over the years.  Questions I would think about for a while and then push back to the dark corners of my mind after the answers I came up with were less than flattering...or convicting.

Well, we're not pushing them back any longer.  The reevaluation process has gone on long enough...time is flying by all too quickly and I don't want to wake up one day and come to the realization my life has passed and I don't have any more time to reprioritize.  No more excuses.  No more "Once this, then, God...then I will live how You want me to live."  No more.  More on that to come....  ;)

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise." 

~Ephesians 5:15