Still Waiting....Ever So Impatiently

I'm down today.  Discouraged.  Disappointed.  And yes, still a little fearful.  It's been four weeks since I saw my rheumatologist for the first time.  Four weeks since we came up with a game plan for fighting this rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  Four weeks since I took my first dose of methotrexate.  Four weeks and I don't feel any different.  I'm a pharmacist...I know these drugs.  I know the onset of some can take months.  My doctor told me it would be three to six weeks...I heard three.  I'm throwing what I know out the window and replacing it with what I expect to happen...what I want to happen.  I expected to be back to normal by now.  I expected to be on my way to training for a mini-marathon by now.  Okay, maybe these are a little unrealistic, but I expected to at least feel better by now....

But instead my hands are getting worse.  So bad that I'm afraid if it continues at this rate, I'll be out of a job in six months.  In addition to that I found a rheumatoid nodule (RN) on my wrist.  This is one of those extra-articular (not involving the joints) manifestations of RA that usually shows up later in the disease course, but can sometimes show up before joint involvement.  This discovery has put me on high alert...this and the words of my doctor that confirmed my own suspicions and are still ringing so clear to me, "You have a more severe form."  Now I'm looking for other complications.  Two small sores on my ankle have become rheumatoid vasculitis to me.  Every little bit of chest tightening or shortness of breath...no matter how small...has become the beginnings of pulmonary fibrosis to me.  In my head I've already returned to the doctor and they've told me, "I've never seen this before.  You have an incredibly aggressive form.  There's not going to be anything we can do."

Dramatic?  Maybe.  That's what happens when you let fear come in and take over.  This fear has caused me to lash out at those I love (mainly Gregg).  It's made me distant and withdrawn.  It's made me focus inward...I'm worried about...me.

It's Valentine's Day.  My husband gave me a card and a gift before he left and I could barely muster up a 'thank you.'  When I finally did roll out of bed, I opened my email too see I had received another Valentine's Day gift from Gregg.  He sent me an email sharing what he had read in Scripture the night before.

"The LORD will guide you always;
   He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
   and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like a spring whose waters never fail."  ~Isaiah 58:11

This really made me stop and take a good hard look at how I was approaching this whole thing over these past few weeks.  When I started this journey, I made a decision to put my trust in the Lord.  I know He has a plan for my life and I trust He knows what He's doing.  My thoughts and actions over these past few weeks really haven't reflected that, though.  I'm putting all my trust in this medication....waiting on it to work for me....but I have forgotten to daily ask the Lord to guide me.  I say with my mouth I trust Him.  I believe in my heart He will take care of me.  I need to follow suit with my mind.  I need to daily make a decision to follow Him and trust His plan for me and He will strengthen me.  Isaiah says He will satisfy all my needs, so I don't have to worry about me.  I can get out of this pit of self-pity and look outward again.  I can focus on others around me.  I can do what I have been put here to do...glorify my Father in Heaven.

So thankful I have a husband who looks to God's Word 

and uses it to encourage me in what I'm going through.  
Please continue to pray for all of us as we navigate 
this uncharted territory.