First Day of School!

All packed up and ready for the big day!

 I can honestly (and a bit ashamedly) say that two days ago I was completely ready for this day.  Completely.  Will was in one of his 'I have to be with you every second of this day and not only with you, but touching you, kicking you, talking non-stop nonsense to you' moods and frankly it was driving me insane!

"Five minutes, buddy!" was all I wanted to bark at him. Just five minutes to myself so I could do something for myself...like the laundry.  Huh...if only...

Yes, that day I was quite certain that God had made a huge mistake entrusting Will to us.  I knew for sure I was not cut out to be his momma.  That day I was rethinking my decision to go extremely part time at work so I could be with him more.  On that day I honestly would've rather dosed vanco on a quadraplegic of 15 years than be the parent he was requiring (sorry...shop talk).  Take a punch out of my mom card if you must...you can even take it away...I probably deserve it, but that day I couldn't wait for kindergarten to start.

But that day came and went.  He went to bed.  I finally got a little to myself time.  And in the morning I was able to ask for the patience and wisdom I need every day to be his mom.  And we had an awesome last day of summer...playing, talking, cuddling a bit.  And he went to bed super excited and I...well, I had a bit of a mommy meltdown.

All of a sudden I didn't know what to pack him for lunch.  PB&J?  Is that even allowed in school anymore with all of the allergies kids have?  I searched Pinterest frantically for easy school lunch ideas.  No help...seriously? You think a turkey bacon wrap with paprika mayo is an easy alternative to PB&J....and you can get your kid to eat that?  Mine won't.  At least not without a lot of encouraging and, well, bribing. 

Gregg came home and I immediately told him I had to go to Walmart because I had nothing I could send with him for lunch. I babbled on and on about not being able to send PB&J because we might kill someone with the peanut fumes.  So off I went to buy things so I could send him with a proper hypoallergenic lunch....oh, wait...I kinda forgot about milk allergies, and wheat allergies, and...oh, poop.  Fail.

Is this really about lunch?  Is this really about me not knowing how to provide my kid with a well-balanced meal that won't spoil during the morning hours of school?  Doubt it.  This school thing has been a huge source of anxiety for me for a long time with Will.  Gregg and I want the best for him.  We want him to be in an environment where he feels safe, secure, and loved while at the same time giving him the tools that he needs to succeed with his PDD-NOS diagnosis.  My heart hurts for him when I think of him scared, in an unfamiliar place, without any friends, without any advocate.  In my mind the only real option to keep him safe and secure is homeschool, and I really don't know if I'm cut out for that.  Really.  (See the first few paragraphs of this post...yikes!)

Gregg prayed with me last night because he knew how I was feeling...and frankly, he shares these feelings too.  He prayed for Will's teachers, for us, for Will himself and in my heart I was really just praying that he'd have a friend.  It took a long time for me to fall asleep, but I finally did.  And I slept well....

Micah a bit distracted...as always..."Dude, do you see that excavator?"

Little help from big brother to redirect his attention

...and this morning I was greeted by the happiest, most excited kindergartner I've ever met.  Will was up early and ready to go...quite unusual for this homebody who would rather stay in his PJs all day and not go anywhere except up and down the street on his bike.  He'd wear his PJs doing that too if I let him.  Crazy kid.  So we had a great morning and before we loaded up in the car, I had time to look him straight in the eye and tell him how much I love him...how special he is to me, to daddy, to God...how I will always be there for him.  That sweet boy.

Daddy came out for the big day too!

Standing in line waiting to go to class

I honestly did a whole lot better than I thought I would this morning.  No tears...not even the hint of choking up.  Not until we got back to the car and Micah started his freak out session, "Where's Will? Where's Will? WHERE'S WILL?"  Poor little man...missing his big bro and best bud...the one who's always there right next to him as they play...the one who's always asking, "you okay, Micah?"...the one who's always barking orders, taking toys, pushing...wait...he misses him?  Yup. Ain't nothin' like brotherly love.  Turned out though it was nothing a trip to Menard's couldn't cure...especially since he got to ride in the car shopping cart without a five year old (who's really too big for those things anyway) trying to push him out into the aisle.  So he got over it, and seems to be okay with the answer 'Will's at school' when he suddenly stops what he's doing, looks around and thinks 'Hey, where is that guy?'

I'm anxious to pick him up...see how his first day went...see if he's still as excited as he was this morning.  So for now I'm okay with our decision to send him to public school, where he can get the extra help he needs.  For now.  But I'm watching.  I'm waiting.  I'm praying.