Speaking of Perspective...

I hate my floors...hate!  I know it's a strong word, but every time I mop, no matter how hard I scrub the dirt just sits in those little divots (do you see 'em?)...oooh, it really makes me steam.  I curse the stupid mop...I curse the maker of the tile...I curse the person who chose this tile...Really?  Light tile, light grout (that's actually not so light any more)...who puts this stuff in their house?  Every time I mop I vow to go floor shopping the next day because there is no way I'm mopping this floor again!  I can't live with these conditions...seriously!!!  And man, don't get me started on the purple carpet.  That's right, it's purple.  Purple.  Did I mention I hate my floors?

So today, being a week out from the last mopping experience - I try to stretch it as long as I can because it just gets my heart rate up too high and that's not good for anyone - anyway, today this wasn't even a thought in my mind as I rushed out the door with Micah on my way to pick Will up from school.  I was trying to get going a few minutes early so I could make a Starbuck's run beforehand...not my normal practice, but I had a little money in my pocket (also not normal) and it sounded good.  So off we went.  Oh, wait...not before checking the mail first.  Huh...an envelope from Compassion International with the words "Message from your Sponsor Child" on the outside.  Fun!  I like getting their little notes and drawings.  So even though I was in a bit of a hurry I opened the letter.

I admit...I'm guilty of rifling through the papers and tossing aside all the printed form letters that sometimes come with those notes.  All the "thank you for your sponsorship," "it really means a lot to them"...you know, that sort of thing.  So I went about my normal practice of getting to the "good stuff"...the note from my child.  Nothing.  Huh.  So I looked back through the form letters.  One of them was a letter from the pastor of the church where one of our children (Eugenia) attends.  That was my message.

So I read it and halfway through the letter, I became terribly convicted. In the letter her pastor talked about the living conditions in the Nicaraguan city where they live.  He talked about how many people lived in cardboard, plastic, or tin houses.  Many have dirt floors.  Often times families only have enough money to buy food for that day.  I can't even imagine what that would be like.  I have to plan ahead and make sure I use all the food in my fridge before it spoils.  We are never lacking for food...we often abuse the abundance by going out too often and over-eating.  And the floors...I complain about having a floor that traps dirt when a lot of their floors are made of dirt.  Holy cow.  How do I so easily forget about the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me?

Now the point of the letter wasn't to make me feel guilty about our living conditions.  The point was to give us a better understanding of where Eugenia lives...what her life is like on a day to day basis...so we can feel more of a connection to her...it makes her more real.  It did exactly that.  I am guilty of not thinking of her and praying for her as often as I should.  I send off my money once a year...once a year so I don't forget to do it monthly...and I don't remember to pray for her consistently.  I don't remember that there's a little girl in Central America thankful for me.  Who maybe even prays for me when she is more than likely faced with things on a day to day basis that I can't even imagine happening in my lifetime.  Did I mention I hate my floors?

This evening I am thankful.  I am thankful I have a Father in Heaven who ever so lovingly and subtly takes my mind from the material things of this world and refocuses them on the things that matter...the people that matter.  Material things are nice...and there's nothing wrong with them...until they start to become your priority.  Is it my priority to get new floors or make sure God's Word is preached to the nations?  Is it my priority to have a nice car or respond to God's call to take care of orphans and widows?  Is it my priority to have my boys dressed super cutely and perfectly or make sure a child over in Swaziland has a pair of shoes he can wear?  Thank you, Lord for redirecting my thoughts today.  Thank you for Eugenia...and sweetie...now when I mop my floors, I'll think of you and pray for you.

For more info on sponsoring a child through Compassion... http://www.compassion.com/ 

A Little Perspective

Do you ever wonder about the timing of certain events in your life?  Do you ever think...why this...why now?  I've thought that often, and you better believe that when Eric got sick we asked that question a lot.  Why now, Lord?  Why something so big?  Why now?!?!  Sometimes even though I know in my head that God's timing is perfect, my heart doesn't always want to believe it.  Sometimes our finite, human minds can't wrap around what He has planned. 

But as I stand here today facing the start of a lifelong journey with rheumatoid arthritis, I have an overwhelming sense of peace with His timing...actually it's more of an amazement with His timing.  I've thought a lot about why I got this diagnosis when I did...I'm so young...I have two active little boys...this doesn't seem right.  I've also prayed about this a lot, and God again proved Himself faithful.  He answered my prayers in such a way that I've been able to experience God's sovereignty in a whole other way.

I recently did Beth Moore's Revelation study (which, by the way is wonderful!!).  One of the whole points of the study was to daily ask God to give you a personal revelation, whether it be through a passage of scripture, a song, a sermon...whatever...a revelation giving you a little better glimpse of who He is.  She talked about the time when Jesus was sleeping in the stern of the boat during a raging storm.  The disciples, afraid woke Jesus and begged Him to save them.  He got up, rebuked the wind and waves and they obeyed Him.  The scripture says the disciples were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this?"  Who is this?  These men knew Him.  They were with Him all the time.  They knew John the Baptist's testimony about Him.  James and John were Jesus' cousins.  Yet they ask, "Who is this?"   

Do you ever have those moments?  When you're plugging along in life, you've been a Christian for X number of years, you know who He is, and then He stops you in your tracks and you have to ask, "Who is this?"  I've only had a few in my life, but they are humbling when they happen.  Looking back I realized that many of my "why now" questions that I asked when I found out about my RA were pretty selfish.  Why now, Lord?  Why are you giving this to me now?  After wrestling with these questions for a while, the thought came to my mind, "What if it had been two years ago?"  Hmmmm...let me think.

Two years ago, we hadn't yet heard about Eric's cancer.  Watching a family go through the death of a loved one at such a young age really puts things in perspective.  It makes something like RA look like the common cold.  Two years ago RA would have been devastating...faith shaking news.  Two years ago?  Would I have glorified God in this two years ago or would I be stuck in a state of self pity?

Two years ago.  I was working in a retail pharmacy.  A 10-hour, stand on your feet all day because if you sit down it's bad customer service job.  I think about the pain it causes me to stand any length of time now and how there is no way I'd survive one shift in a retail pharmacy.  I think about how God provided the job at the hospital where I can sit for the majority of my time.  Is His timing not amazing?

Let's push this back a little further...three years.  Our little Micah Moo wouldn't be in the picture yet.  The drug I'm taking for my RA is a pregnancy category X...that means it causes birth defects and many women taking this medication have miscarriages.  Now you can stop taking your meds if you want to get pregnant, but Micah was a...ummm...surprise.  We weren't planning for him...we may never had met him if this came on three years ago.

When I think about the timing of the events of the past year I can't help but be amazed and think, "Who is this?"  Who is this that knows us so well that He times events in our life perfectly so we can get a little more insight into who He is?  Who is this that works out the details so in the end He is glorified?  Who is this?  He is the God of the universe and Lord of my life...I find rest in Him.

Learning Through Trials

I love making sugar cookies...especially decorating sugar cookies.  More to the point, I love making and decorating sugar cookies with my boys.  I love to run (jog really), and scrapbook, and take walks with my boys.  I love to hike and run after my little men - unless they're in trouble and running away from me...that's a different story!  So when my future as a jogging, scrapbooking, sugar cookie-making momma became jeopardized and uncertain, I almost reverted back to my anxiety-stricken ways that were oh, so familiar to me as a non-believer.

I guess I should start at the beginning.  A few months ago (after all the soul searching I talked about in the previous post), I finally told God I was ready for Him to do whatever He had planned for my life.  Not that I thought He'd wait on me, but it was more of a final submission on my part.  Finally really ready to give everything over no matter WHAT that meant.  This was actually a pretty scary thing on my part given the events of the past year with the death of Gregg's brother.  Was I...am I really ready for something like that?

Kinda crazy, but within a month of me asking for His will to be fulfilled in my life I got some life-altering news.  For a few weeks I had been having pain in my feet...both feet that was worse in the morning, but lasted all day.  Pain to the point it was affecting my daily activities and I decided it was time to get it checked out.  Now I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but rarely do I ever get my "what if's" checked out...but this was different.  I went to the doctor telling him that I thought I have rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  He did a physical - normal.  He took xrays - normal.  He took blood tests - all normal...except one.  My anti-CCP was positive...a highly specific test for RA.  To be completely honest, I was expecting everything to come back normal and I'd go on feeling like this for a while with no answers and eventually it would just go away.  I wasn't expecting my suspicions to be true.

Will loves to decorate cookies with me...

Now I know what you're probably saying..."You said you had exciting things going on!"  Yes, yes. I know...let me finish!  Believe me, "excitement" wasn't the first emotion that came over me.  It was fear.  Having a medical background, my mind skipped over all the joint-related symptoms and went straight to the more serious...the potentially life-threatening complications of this disease...pericarditis, pulmonary fibrosis, vasculitis.  I almost lost it when Gregg brushed it off as no big deal.  "You don't understand!!!  It's not normal arthritis!!!"

Fear continued to grip me as weeks went by and I realized I'm going to be limited by this disease.  My hands and wrists were starting to hurt.  Making gift tags for Christmas presents, frosting and decorating sugar cookies, learning to sew...these activities became difficult as I often lacked the dexterity and strength needed to do them.  I'm only 31!!!  What is it going to be like when I'm 45?  It was scary how quickly things seemed to be progressing and I extrapolated this to mean I had an aggressive form of the disease.  I couldn't run anymore...I couldn't even go on walks with my boys.  Holding Micah for extended periods of time became painful...you can altogether forget about holding Will.  I was downing ibuprofen like candy just to get through my day.  Lord, why is this happening!?!?!?

...and Micah likes to eat them!

Oh. Wait. I asked for this, didn't I?  Am I saying God gave this to me as a punishment?  No.  Am I saying this was part of His will or plan for my life?  Absolutely.  The timing is a little peculiar, don't you think?  You can argue semantics about whether God causes or allows things like this to happen...I don't know the answer to that.  I don't know if it matters.  I do know that God gives (or allows) things like this to His people to deepen dependency on Him.  Take Job of the Old Testament or Paul in the New.  Paul asked three times for the thorn in his flesh to be taken away.  God's answer?  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)  Wow.  God has this covered.  He has my best interest in mind, whether it's obvious or not from my immediate circumstances.  

So this is why it's exciting...God is working through this.  He knows exactly what I need when I need it.  His will is perfect.  Paul's response to God's decision not to take his weakness away is the attitude I pray for as I navigate through this new and unfamiliar part of my life.  He says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  That sounds good...I'll take that.

The rare occasion when I got to limp along with my boys...Happiness!

The Awakening

Geez!  Was it seriously the end of May when I last blogged?  Well, the hiatus was intentional, but the length certainly was not.  I guess that's what happens with two very busy little boys!  The purpose of the break in blogging?  It certainly wasn't for lack of things to write about...little boys also give you lots of bloggin' material!  It was a little more spiritual than that...a little deeper. When Eric was sick and then when he died, I used blogging as a way to get my feelings out and "confess" to everyone the awfulness that was inside of me.  That experience brought on a lot of anger, selfishness, fear, and...well, just name any nasty emotion and I probably felt it and blogged about it.  I was attempting to use blogging as a tool to (again) "confess."  After all, the Bible tells us to confess our sins to each other.  James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

But as I looked over my past blogs, I was really convicted.  I'll tell you a few reasons I think that my use of the blog was not what God had in mind when He gave us James 5:16, and hence the reason for the hiatus.  First of all, there's humility involved when you confess your sins to someone.  I'm sitting here behind a computer screen spilling my heart.  I can't see you and you can't see me...there's no humility...only false humility at best.  I know I'm not the first to point this out, but all this technology has really made us lose touch with each other on a personal level.  We may be reaching the masses (well, not my blog, but many others), but a lot of the times we can't even carry on a real conversation when face to face.  Secondly, I was sometimes using this form of "confession" instead of going to God on my knees.  While I was getting it out, I was missing some of the point.  There is purpose in laying everything at the feet of Jesus.  It's an expression of dependency, of humility...and I was missing out on that.  Lastly, there was a lot of "confessing" going on, but I don't think true and complete repentance was there...maybe the most telling sign that my attempt at being transparent was not working.  God has taught Gregg and I A LOT over this past year or so, and it hasn't come easily...for either of us.  We've had to do some deep soul searching, constantly going to God in prayer and to His Word for guidance.  And God is so gracious to us...1 John 1:9 says: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  It wasn't until I finally went to Him and only Him to confess these things and repent of them that I feel He has allowed me to work through and release many of these sinful attitudes and behaviors that were taking over.  Thank God for His mercy and grace that He freely gives to those who ask for it!

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

but the one who confesses 

and renounces them finds mercy."  

~Proverbs 28:13

So this was my awakening...kind of like the fog clearing after a really dark and dreary day where you can't see anything and everything is unfamiliar and uncertain.  Why then did I decide to come back to blogging?  Well, God is doing some pretty exciting (and a little scary) things in my life that I really feel I need to share.  For the sake of not boring you all to death with a ridiculously long post (which I've been known to do from time to time), I'll leave all that for future entries. :)

Having a Heart for Adoption

 Warning!!!  This is an extremely LONG post.  If you're reading just to find out what's going on with the chili cook-off and silent auction, scroll to the bottom.  Otherwise, don't say I didn't warn you!

I was first introduced to adoption about four or so years ago when our friends Ben and Janet announced they would be adopting from Ethiopia.  Obviously I was familiar with what adoption was in the legal sense before this, but it wasn't until I watched them walk through their journey that I actually began to really understand what it meant to adopt.  And I emphasize "began" because I still don't think I can claim to fully comprehend all that true adoption involves.  I am an amateur when it comes to this. Ben and Janet's experience showed me that adoption isn't just for people who can't have children "the normal way."  It's not for people who tried and tried and just couldn't get pregnant.  Adoption is a choice...a well thought out, calculated choice to bring a child into your home permanently - fully and completely part of the family.  Most people who adopt yearn for this child even before they see him/her for the first time.  They have a love for this child that can't be explained by a biological connection.  There is something absolutely beautiful and almost supernatural about it.  It truly is an amazing thing to see.

Watching Ben and Janet also made me begin to understand my status as an adoptee.  Adoption in this life, in this world is a reflection of God's actions toward us.  We, as sinners, were separated from God.  No home, no Father.  But God chose not to leave us this way.  He chose to send his Son as a sacrifice to redeem us...bring us back to him.  He chose us and because of this we are able to be called sons of God.  Do you realize what this means?  If we confess our sins and claim Jesus as Lord we will NOT be eternally separated, but will be included in the inheritance of Jesus Christ.  All because he loved us so much he could not leave us in a state of fatherlessness (when you have your own blog you're allowed to make up words).  Adoption in this world is again a reflection and an extension of what God has done for us.

One of my favorite verses when it comes to adoption (actually just in general) is James 1:27 which says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  This verse gives evidence to the fact that God has a heart for orphans (and widows, but that's another post) and he has given us a command to look after them.  Does this mean we have to adopt ourselves?  Not necessarily...  Maybe it means becoming a missionary and serving at an orphanage caring for orphans.  Maybe it means continuously being in prayer for adoptive families in their journeys.  Or maybe it means financially partnering with a family in the process of adopting.  If we pick our heads up and look around we will find out there are people all over that are answering God's call to adopt. 

This is how we got introduced to Danny and Amanda.  They go to our church and I knew of them...that's about the extent of it.  Then I heard they were adopting, and for some reason God pushed me way out of my comfort zone and I invited them over for dinner.  We got to hear their story...about them, their family, and why they have decided to adopt.  God gave me an instant love for this family...a burden for this family.  They are constantly on my mind and I have an aching in my heart to help them bring their little one home.  When I heard the adoption is going much quicker than originally thought, the urgency set in.  So that brings me to the BIG point of this incredibly long post (so sorry if you've read the whole thing!).  I really wish we could give Danny and Amanda the whole amount that they need to adopt this baby, but we just can't.  But I can (along with A LOT of help from those around me) at least assist them.  So a small group of us has decided to put on a fund raiser for this family...we are doing a chili cook-off and silent auction on June 26.  Like I said, this is going to require quite a bit of help and donation of resources and time from lots of people.  That is why I am humbly asking for HELP!!  Please donate...whether it be time, chili, items for auction, or straight monetary donations...whatever you feel led to give, we would appreciate it immensely and you may never know the full impact your donation will forever have on this family.  So please be in prayer about this and if you feel like this is something God has laid on your heart, email me, call me, send me a message on FB, and I can get more specific about what we need. 

Lastly, if you are not in a position to give or don't feel like this is something you're supposed to do, please still consider to partner with us in prayer.  Pray for Danny and Amanda as they prepare for this little one to arrive.  Pray for their older children as they make this transition.  Pray for the birth mother and her situation whatever it may be.  Pray for the details of the event to all come into place.  Pray we are able to get the word out and people will come and feel led to give.  Pray that all needs are met - financial, spiritual, emotional, others we may not even be aware of.  Whew!! I think I'll end there.  Please get in touch with me if you have any further questions, comments, or just want to pray.  Also, if I've totally screwed up what adoption means to those who have already done it, please forgive me.  I told you I was an amateur.

Four

Man, I can't believe it's here already.  Four years old!  My little boy is growing up so fast - it's almost sickening to think he'll be in kindergarten soon, then grade school, middle school, high school - AAHHHH!!  Okay, let's slow down and live in the moment!  Oh, Will...my first born.  To take a phrase from a friend - "You made me a momma!" 

Such a sweet boy!  I love his energy - the boy never stops!  He keeps me on my toes, that's for sure.  He is incredibly strong-willed (not sure where he got that from - ahem!).  This brings me many frustrating moments in parenting, but I hope will bring him successes later in life.  (Now just to figure out how to cultivate this into a positive thing!) 

I love watching him learn how to be a big brother.  He loves Micah so much, but learning how to show that love comes with difficulty!  He was the only one for three years and then all of a sudden there was this little guy demanding attention and now getting into his toys.  Every moment is a learning opportunity!  Even with all the fighting and selfishness and bossing around, there are plenty of sweet moments.  This morning Micah bonked his head (again) and immediately Will was by his side telling him it was okay and giving him hugs. That's enough to melt a momma's heart!  Oh, how I pray they will be friends and one day brothers in Christ!

I love his servant heart.  He gets that from his daddy.  He's always wanting to help around the house and outside - especially outside!  It might be an independence thing, but I'm thinking we can grow this into a heart that wants to serve the Lord. 

I love his silliness!  This one might get him into trouble at school.  He definitely feeds off of people's attention and if he gets a laugh out of someone, you'd better believe he's going to repeat whatever it was that got them chuckling.  Oh, I can just imagine the phone calls from the principal and parent-teacher conferences!  Help me now, Lord!

I love his happiness!  There are moments when I wonder what got his undies in a twist, but for the most part Will is a pretty happy kid.  You can always get a smile out of him.

Oh, yes, Will...you made me a momma.  More specifically, God made me a momma, and he chose to do it with Will.  This has been a crazy four years.  Gregg and I have learned a lot, grown a lot, grieved a lot.  Parenting is NOT what we expected.  It's so much more...and so much harder.  We never realized it was going to be an exercise in personal faith and dependence on God.  It's amazing the things God uses to help us grow closer to him. 

One thing Gregg has said over and over, is that he was never able to even begin to understand Christ's love for us until we had Will.  I reflect on this and how true it is.  Even though the relationship with your spouse should be the closest relationship here on this earth, there is nothing like the love you feel for that child.  The closeness you feel as they are brand new, the joy you feel as you watch them succeed, the heartache you feel when they don't, the grief you feel when they chose to sin.  Being a parent has made me so much more thankful of my heavenly Father and his love for me!

I am so thankful for this little boy and all the joys and challenges he brings Gregg and I each and every day.  I can't wait to see what the next four years, eight years, sixteen years hold for us.  Happy Birthday, Will!  I love you!

Deer Poop and Other Random Stuff

So, it's been well over a month since I've posted anything...actually didn't think I'd ever get back around to blogging.  But, alas...here I am.  What have I decided to blog about after my long hiatus?  That's right...deer poop...and a whole lot of it.  This comes after me spending more than an hour yesterday picking up deer poop in our back yard.  That's right...more than an hour.  Worst part of it is, I'm only about a fifth of the way done.  Disgusting.  Not only deer poop, but rabbit poop, and fox poop, and whatever random dog roams into our yard poop.  How fair is this?  I don't own a dog, and for very tangible reasons like - I don't like to pick up poop!!  What the heck?!?!?  I guess that's what I get for buying a house in a somewhat rural area. 

Well during my hour of fun, I had plenty of time to think.  At first it started off with practical things...spiritual things...how can I put into practice what I've learned through my Bible study this week?  Then my mind turned more to things related to the task at hand...
1) Man, this is A LOT of poop!   I live on a golf course...do they pay someone to pick all this up off the golf course?  Or do the deer know not to poop there?  Maybe that's their dining area and my yard is their bathroom.
2) I just found the chore the boys are going to hate the most, but the one I'm going to love passing off the most!
3) My thoughts turned to childhood memories like the time we were out Christmas tree hunting and my brother decided to pick up a cow pie.  Then remembering how funny it was when he figured out what it was.  (This was after I hear Will saying, "look, mom, poop!" and to my horror I turn around to see him sitting in poop with some poop in his hand.  Then I freak out like any good mom and make him go inside and wash up.)
4) Will was out there with me the whole time (minus the wash up session) which made me think about how much I love having boys and how much I'm going to LOVE spending the summer outside with them playing in the grass with rocks and bugs (I won't be touching any bugs, mind you). 

Funny how your mind wanders when you let it...  Well, I'm sorry if I've just disappointed (or grossed out) any of my followers (if I have any), but this is my life, people!  Here are some random pics of the boys to make up for the gross factor of this post...enjoy!

 Brothers...so sweet when they wanna be!

 "I love helping daddy with the dishes!"  Yeah, let's just hope this lasts!

 Crazy hair day at preschool...not too happy about it in the morning - he begged me to wash it out, but then...

 Lovin' it at the end of the day...he thought he was the COOLEST!

 Our new found passion...painting!

 Concentrating very hard.

 And then there's Micah...so excited about life.  Every day is an adventure!

Another sweet bro' moment.  Love these boys!