The Awakening

Geez!  Was it seriously the end of May when I last blogged?  Well, the hiatus was intentional, but the length certainly was not.  I guess that's what happens with two very busy little boys!  The purpose of the break in blogging?  It certainly wasn't for lack of things to write about...little boys also give you lots of bloggin' material!  It was a little more spiritual than that...a little deeper. When Eric was sick and then when he died, I used blogging as a way to get my feelings out and "confess" to everyone the awfulness that was inside of me.  That experience brought on a lot of anger, selfishness, fear, and...well, just name any nasty emotion and I probably felt it and blogged about it.  I was attempting to use blogging as a tool to (again) "confess."  After all, the Bible tells us to confess our sins to each other.  James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

But as I looked over my past blogs, I was really convicted.  I'll tell you a few reasons I think that my use of the blog was not what God had in mind when He gave us James 5:16, and hence the reason for the hiatus.  First of all, there's humility involved when you confess your sins to someone.  I'm sitting here behind a computer screen spilling my heart.  I can't see you and you can't see me...there's no humility...only false humility at best.  I know I'm not the first to point this out, but all this technology has really made us lose touch with each other on a personal level.  We may be reaching the masses (well, not my blog, but many others), but a lot of the times we can't even carry on a real conversation when face to face.  Secondly, I was sometimes using this form of "confession" instead of going to God on my knees.  While I was getting it out, I was missing some of the point.  There is purpose in laying everything at the feet of Jesus.  It's an expression of dependency, of humility...and I was missing out on that.  Lastly, there was a lot of "confessing" going on, but I don't think true and complete repentance was there...maybe the most telling sign that my attempt at being transparent was not working.  God has taught Gregg and I A LOT over this past year or so, and it hasn't come easily...for either of us.  We've had to do some deep soul searching, constantly going to God in prayer and to His Word for guidance.  And God is so gracious to us...1 John 1:9 says: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  It wasn't until I finally went to Him and only Him to confess these things and repent of them that I feel He has allowed me to work through and release many of these sinful attitudes and behaviors that were taking over.  Thank God for His mercy and grace that He freely gives to those who ask for it!

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

but the one who confesses 

and renounces them finds mercy."  

~Proverbs 28:13

So this was my awakening...kind of like the fog clearing after a really dark and dreary day where you can't see anything and everything is unfamiliar and uncertain.  Why then did I decide to come back to blogging?  Well, God is doing some pretty exciting (and a little scary) things in my life that I really feel I need to share.  For the sake of not boring you all to death with a ridiculously long post (which I've been known to do from time to time), I'll leave all that for future entries. :)