Memory Lane

Please tell me this isn't happening. How could this be happening?  He just turned two.  His independence just began to emerge.  He just learned how to walk...oh, wait.  That was like over a year ago.  How come I remember it like it was yesterday?  

But alas, it is happening.  After putting on more than one pair of 2T pants that barely skimmed the top of his shoes, I succumbed to the fact that it was time to pull out the 3T clothes for my littlest man.  Oh, Micah Moo...how can this be?  Well, he is a hoss.  I'm always kind of puzzled at his well child check-ups when they tell me he's only in like the 75th percentile for weight...then why does my arm feel like it's on fire and about to fall off after holding him for 30 seconds?  Are you sure you're not looking at the four-year-old growth charts?  Okay, just checking....

So I expected a full morning of pulling totes out of storage (YAY!!!!), and sorting, and washing, and Micah unsorting.  What I didn't expect was the all-too-vivid stroll down Memory Lane that I got.  I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a super-sentimental person.  I don't save much from special events.  Sure there are a few things, like every card or letter Gregg's ever given me.  Go ahead...say it...."Awwwww!"  But I don't keep every single craft project the boys have ever done.  Will's baby book is half (maybe) done.  Micah's baby book?  MIA.  Wait...did I ever get one for him?  Oops.  Sorry, buddy!  And I definitely don't have any locks of hair from their first hair cuts.  Looks like I'll be out of luck if I ever need to clone them.  Too weird?  Sorry.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes.  Memory Lane.  Strollin'.  I pulled out all these clothes that were attached to so many memories.  Some things I hadn't thought about in years.  When Will was wearing these clothes, we were just finding out about his developmental delays and flashbacks of his first evaluation came to my mind.  Kind of an emotional time...he was crying, ipso facto I was crying...no...bawling in front of perfect strangers.  Can I forget about this?  Please?  Going through these clothes made me grieve that "normal" life and "normal" child I had dreamed of and hoped for. 

And then I opened the second tote and there were some things in there that were apparently even too significant for my unsappy self to throw away.  Like baby shirts with the names of our alma maters reminding me that I was still in school when we had our first.  A plan that seemed to make perfect sense at the time, but...can I offer some advice here?  DON'T PLAN ON HAVING A KID IN PHARMACY SCHOOL!!!!  It's just not smart.  I can remember having our birth control lectures while I was pregnant and my professor saying, "Now you all know about birth control so there won't be any unplanned pregnancies next year, right?"  Although I wasn't the only one pregnant in my class, I felt like all eyes turned toward me.  I wanted to stand up and shout, "Hey! This was planned.  Maybe it's stupid, but it was planned!"  I decided to keep my mouth shut. :)

Oh, and how about this one?  I'm pretty sure I bought it before Micah was born.  I may have even bought it when I was pregnant before Micah...the time I miscarried.  That miscarriage put me on guard.  Helped me to put up a wall around my heart that I'm still working on tearing down.  It taught me never to buy for the new little one before they arrive, because you never know what's going to happen.  But eventually it did get worn and as you can see in the picture, it was well-loved.  Those spit up and blow-out stains prove it! 

Aren't those puppy dog eyes too much?

And then there was one of my maternity shirts that a friend gave me for Christmas when I was pregnant with Will.  Just a white t-shirt with the word "boy" in baby blue on the front.  When she gave me the shirt it made me laugh (and cry a little...stupid hormones) because we were in the midst of a bit of a sex mix-up.  One ultra-sound said for SURE boy...see the turtle?  The other?  99% positive it's a girl...there's the hamburger right there.  Don't worry, you "I don't have any kids yet" readers...you'll know what I'm talking about when you have your 20 week ultrasound with your first.  When I pulled the shirt out this time it made me a little sad because it reminded me that I will never be pregnant again and will most likely never hold a baby of my own again.  With my RA and the drugs I'm taking, Gregg and I decided we won't be having any more kids...not bios anyway.  We're going to leave the option of adoption (nice ring, right?) open and pray that God gives us the wisdom to know if and when the time is right.

And then this one...

Sorry for the crooked pics.  My computer's freaking out on me and I don't have the time to figure out the problem.  Anyway, for those that don't want to strain their necks trying to read this it says, "Life is good when you've got an uncle like mine!"  This was one of Eric's first presents for Will.  He was crazy about that kid and it pains me that he won't get to do all the fun uncle stuff with Will and Micah as they grow up.  But this is only a fraction of the pain felt when I think that he won't get to do all the fun daddy stuff with Landon as he grows up. 

So many painful memories.  So many things I'd like to forget.  All these reminders that life happens and it almost never turns out how we thought it would.  But these clothes were attached to some pretty good memories, too.  

Like the wonderful team at Birth to Three that helped us learn more about Will and his delays and more importantly how we could start to work through them and possibly eventually overcome them.  It led to Will learning how to communicate with us and us being able to watch as he turned into a pretty cool, fun-loving kid. 

Like how much love we were shown from those around us as we started our family.  A lot of the clothes I pulled out today were hand-me-downs or gifts and I was humbled by how God has used our friends and families in our lives.  It also reminded me that those 2T clothes that I'm pulling out of Micah's closet should be given to a family that looks a lot like ours did five years ago.

Like how we have a bunch of great memories with Uncle Eric and pictures for the boys to remember him by.  And even though we may not ever be able to understand God's ways and why He took Eric when He did, we are confident and have seen evidence that Laura and Landon will be taken care of.  His plan is perfect even when we can't see it.

So many harsh memories and yet so many reminders that God is sufficient for us.  He alone is enough, despite all the crap (for lack of a better word) that seems to be going on around us.  This life will always be full of disappointments and heartaches, but He is with us through all of it.  He promises to never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  That is, if you have put your trust Him.  If you have put your faith in Him.  If you have proclaimed Him as Lord of your life.  So have you?

 

Oh, yeah...I also found Micah's Halloween costume for this year.  Fitting because his M.O. lately has been walking around grabbing his - ahem - crotch and growling... "I a wion!!!"  Super cute!  Aside from the crotch-grabbing thing.  We'll work on that. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

 ~Matthew 11:28