Say What You Mean To Say

For the past few days now John Mayer's voice has been playing over and over in my head..."Say what you mean to say.  Say what you mean to say."  (Am I the only one with the continuously rolling soundtrack in my head?  Gosh, I hope not.)  Anyway, ever since we got back from Louisiana I haven't really been able to blog much.  I have all these thoughts swarming around in my head, but I can't get a coherent thought to come out.  Blogging is a release for me...it's a way for us to stay connected to the outside world, for me to keep people up on what's going on, or just to get things out that need out.  But for the past few weeks I feel like I've been walking around in this fog.  I've started a million blogs in my head, even started writing a few, but I can't get out what I'm trying to say. 

I want to tell people:

-That while we're doing okay, we're still struggling with the loss of Eric - Gregg especially.  We have our lives to keep us busy during the day, but in the quiet of the night grief strikes.  Or even sometimes it comes at totally random times.

- That we serve an awesome God, and he has a plan for each and every one of us.  If I were you, I'd try to get on the good side of that plan.

- That Micah got his first tooth and he's crawling now.  That's running us into a lot of talks about sharing and being kind since now he can get into Will's toys. 

- That I love my new job, although the hours stink and I'm feeling a little stupid because I've been working in retail for the past almost two years.

- That marathon training is going well, although slowly. 

- That I have the most wonderful husband who sacrifices in so many areas for our family.

There are all these feelings and inner struggles I want to get out like:

- How to couple the fact that God is someone to be feared, but at the same time he allows us to call him by a most intimate name - Abba, Father.

- How sweet it is to hold a sleeping baby in your arms and the love that overwhelms you at a moment like that.

- How to get used to this "new normal" without Eric (thanks, Laura for coining that term).

- How challenging and rewarding parenting can be at the same time.

- How to show the love of Christ to those I barely even know, or worse yet, to those I don't like.

- How humbled I am at the acts of service and love we received from Eric and Laura's church in Louisiana, Roger and Cathy's church during our short stay in Enid, OK, and from our church here in SD during this difficult time.

The list literally goes on and on.  Maybe one day the fog that is February will clear and I'll be able to articulate my thoughts again.  Maybe it won't and this will be my last blog...we'll see.  But for now I'll sign off and try to get used to this new normal.